I know how much y'all have been loving the bootleg Transformers, but this week we'll be taking a break from those to look at a bootleg of a character who's probably been bootlegged more than any other character in the history of bootleg toys. You already know who I'm talking about (don't you?), but keep reading for confirmation! And photos, and commentary, 'cause that's how we roll on Bootleg Tuesday. Well, we roll like that every day, but... yeah.
If you read the intro and were expecting to see your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man, give yourself a Scooby Snack.
As far as Spider-Man bootlegs go -- other than the figure's towering 10.75" height -- this one's rather pedestrian. Instead of having any wacky color variations or a modified emblem, this is simply Spider-Man in his classic colors and garb. Surprisingly, the paint is even fairly well done for a bootleg. Sure, the blue is a little sloppy and thinly applied -- I'm guessing it was sprayed on -- but that's arguably a good thing since it means any kid who licks this toy will probably be out of the ER in 20 minutes or less. And Spider-Man bootlegs always impress me with how cleanly the web lines are done. I mean, you'd expect a bootleg to have uniformly sloppy paint -- and many of them do -- but Spider-Man figures generally have stellar webbing. I imagine that's because the web lines aren't painted by hand, but that just kinda makes me wonder about the amazingly efficient and cost-effective tech these bootleggers are rocking. How is it that they can afford to print web lines so cleanly on a nigh 11" toy that only costs $1.49 even after the retailer markup?!
Oh, that's how they do it -- they only print the web lines on the front! Brilliant budgeting, bootleggers. They also save money on glue, since this figure is completely assembled via screws. Aaand since the LED no longer works for some reason (unless I state otherwise, you should just assume that any Spider-Man bootleg has a light-up bulb embedded in its torso), I started wondering whether the ease of disassembling the figure would make it a cinch to fix it! We'll get to that in a second -- but first, did y'all notice the letter "A" sculpted on the back of Spider-Man's head? Petey, you slut.
Okay, this is kinda wild. First of all, I can see this figure being very useful to customizers -- not because the toy itself is of any use, but because all of these tiny screws would be really helpful for adding cut joints and repairing broken figures and such. They don't even sell screws this small at my local hardware store, so I tend to get them from bootlegs and dollar store toys anyway... and man, this sucker has a LOT of them. Heck, you could take half of them out and the toy would still hold together perfectly!
And then there's the LED setup itself, which is mystifyingly simple -- the LED is simply stuck in there, and the button works its ends like tweezers such that, when you press it, both ends of the LED touch the cell batteries inside. (I know it's kinda hard to see how it works, so I made you an awesome diagram! The dark blue thing is the button, and pressing it causes the ends of the LED to touch the battery. NIFTY.) Did you know that you could make an LED light up by just touching the freaking ends to a battery? I did not! It really works, too -- I had some spare LEDs around from when I made my paper Daleks and touched them to some batteries and eureka. What the hell was the point of building that circuit in Tech Ed when that's all it takes to make them light?! I commented on Updatedude's Revoltech Danboard review that it'd be fairly easy and far cheaper to just build your own papercraft Danboard, and heck, now you could do that and give it a light-up feature for less than a Lincoln. You could make a papercraft Steelix with light-up eyes! Some people find bootleg toys to be hateful and revolting, but this Spider-Man is downright educational and inspiring.
And we haven't even reached the best part yet -- the packaging. It does say "Spider Change" along the left side, but whose name is centered at the top of the package? Batman's! Even though there's a picture of Spider-Man on the card -- along with two of Batman, one of Green Goblin, one of Spider-Man with Doc Ock's tentacles (the wha?), and webbing and spiders and stuff -- that's just... odd. But wait! The text on the right side of the card reads "specifications colours and contents may vary from illustrations," which is really just the bootleggers' way of saying, "Hey, we chose those images because they looked cool, but we'll stick a knockoff He-Man with Optimus Prime's fists in that plastic bubble if it suits us." At least they're honest! You know, when they're not running drug smuggling operations and forcing trembling, kidnapped children to streak blue paint over the front of Spider-Man's prone, hollow body.
The very coolest thing about the packaging, however, is THIS -- and I've blown it up and mucked with the contrast a bit so you can better appreciate it. The packaging does suggest some kind of Spider-Man/Batman team-up, but just that description would never have led us to imagine the amazing emblem that appears just above Spider-Man's left shoulder. It's a freakin' SPIDER-BAT! Or a bat-spider, if you prefer. Whatever you choose to call it, your life has just been improved a thousandfold due to having seen it. If you leave a comment and die tomorrow, I will derive comfort from knowing that you beheld the majesty of the spider-bat before you passed. And for those of you who remain with us, let us start a new religion and a new outlook. Let us join hands and sing and treat each other as we desire to be treated, with kindness and love and Little Sister action figures and fish custard with tumblers of gin and Snapple on the side. And let us make the spider-bat the foundation of our new order.
Apparently delirium is a possible symptom of lead poisoning.
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Want to see even more bootleg toys? Find past and future editions of Bootleg Tuesday right here.
