The image below really does look innocuous enough at first glance. It's just a bow and arrow said that honors our beloved friendly neighbor-hood hero. Sure, there are some really strange design choices and ugly card art, but this is a bootleg toy, and that's all to be expected. The strange green mask that functions as the arrow quiver is hilarious enough on its own, but when put with all the other Spider-Man themed goodness, it's even funnier. I suppose they were thinking about Green Goblin when throwing that in there, but it doesn't work out that well.

 

This horror movie really starts to get scary when you zoom in on the bow itself. It's like a toy car crash, you don't want to see the malformed plastic, but your eyes are locked-in to the chaos before them. Where can I even start with the image below? Are there even words to describe the terror it instills? Will you ever see Spider-Man the same way again? I certainly hope you don't already see him this way. If you do, start reading different comics.

 

First, we'll go to his chest. This must in fact be Spider-Woman, or at least a Peter Parker so desperate for a change that he's placed a single beachball uniboob in his costume. I can't even begin to imagine how uncomfortable that is beneath his enormous head and sickly-thin right arm. There are blood stains all up and down his costume, presumably from the botched operation that was going to fix his mutated limbs. Just the pose he's been contorted into is frightening enough, but I still haven't touched on the most unsettling sight of all. 

You probably already noticed it, it's almost impossible not to. Look closely at Spider-Man's crotch area. You'll see a hollow tube that runs all the way from his rear, right up to his front. A tube that passes through his lower abdomen for heaven's sake. The children who purchase this toy are actually expected to take an arrow, shove it up Spider-Man's ass so far that it actually passes through the other side. Please, please, please in the name of all that is action figures, don't ever subject your Spider-Man toys to the same thing. I couldn't live with myself knowing that Spider-Men all over the world were being violated in such a way.

You're truly sick bootleggers, unbearably disturbed. 

If for some completely illogical reason, you want to see more of this toy, you can find more pictures and thoughts over at The Undiscovered Playthings bootleg action figure blog. Please just don't make me look at it any more. 

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Want to see even more bootleg toys? Find past and future editions of Bootleg Tuesday Right here.