I still haven't seen last spring's X-Men Origins: Wolverine (I've failed the nerd community, I know), and never intend to after seeing this toy based on the movie. It seems Wolverine became some sort of grandma in the film, and I don't even want to think about how. But you just have to see this hilariously ugly toy in the latest edition of:
The last few installments of this feature, I was kind enough to actually buy the toys involved, releasing the pegs that held them from their continued misery. This time, I was lucky enough to have a camera with me, and decided $8.50 for a half-nude grandma action figure wasn't worth it. And there is no doubt that the figure pictured below was supposed to be some grandmother-esque version of Wolverine right? You have to look past the figure's actual imperfections (the wonky eyes, the dent in the shoulder sculpt, the inside of its mouth painted solid white instead of red, and of course the glossy glare on the plastic), and then you'll clearly see it.
I look at that image, and all I can see is my grandmother sitting in a barbershop with her head tucked under one of those hair-oven-things (I don't know what they're called!). I know you're thinking, "But it... she doesn't have gray hair!", and neither does my grandma! It's the sagging skin (just look around poor Wolvie's nose and jaw lines), the thick, sloppily applied lipstick (my grandma is a feisty old gal!), and even the dab of facial hair here and there (it just happens with age, they can't help it). And of course, nobody's teeth are that white unless they've just installed a new set of dentures. I'd rather not explain the silver nipple plates. It's a very long story, but oh so accurate. Case, closed.
And then the vision of these thin black hot pants clinching so tightly to her pelvis that her leg fat is mushrooming over the edges, is a sight I will never, ever, forget. The technical looking contraption on her stomach is probably just the ever-present blood pressure machine with "all them fancy doohickey buttons" that are always confusing her. She'll figure it out in a few hours like always, well after her blood pressure has skyrocketed from all the stress. I didn't know Hasbro had done so much research, but they sure did get her exactly right.
As I wrap this feature up, I'm beginning to wonder if it should have been a "Double Vision" instead, since it so clearly takes the visage of my grandmother. Although, I don't think anyone can deny how ugly this toy is, so I think "Choking Hazard" will do just fine.
Oh it's not ugly you say? So you like looking at half-naked versions of Hugh Jackman with streaks of chest hair. Case, closed.
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Check out more ugly toys with other editions of Choking Hazard right here.
