Rare is the action figure a man looks at and wishes with all his cruddy soul that it be brought to life. Rarer still is the figure that make a man wish he was a cow so he may one day be shaped into a skin-tight leather suit, to hug the curves of said brought-to-life figure. The day has come, Articulites! This glorious day, that magnificent figure will be thoroughly examined, every sensational strand of hair, every perfect pore, every, uh, outrageous orifice! Oh yeah! Also, I apologize in advance to women everywhere, you'll most likely find this review in horribly poor taste, but if you're one of the cool chicks, you'll find it hilarious, you're the only chicks that matter anyway. [TAO's Note: I'm going to have to add the "guest" back on these reviews...]

Name: Scarlett (Desert Ambush)
Line: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Manufacturer: Hasbro
Released: 2009
Price: Retail: $5.00-$9.99; Online: $5.95-$14.99
Scale: 3.75 in.
Accessories: Giant Yellow Mutant Q-Tip Launcher, "Crossbow", Harness (w/rope), Grappling Hook, 2 Pistols, Holster 
Sponsor Listings: Amazon-$15.95

     As any man, woman, or beast with eyes will attest, the real-life goddess this figure spawned is Rachel Nichols. Maybe Ms. Nichols came first, maybe Scarlett did, either way, it's a fun visual. Go ahead, look her up...and down, and all around, you're only human. The figure resembles the actress, and unfortunately, that's all that can be said about the facial-likeness *weeps* Some figures require very specific lightning to look like the people they are modeled after, strike that, ALL figure-faces require careful lightning (It's true, I learned it in community college!). Without getting too melodramatic, shadows are necessary to portray a person's true reflection, the figure's pale skin-tone masks the darkness and leaves us with this fake soft shell. There are no wrinkles, no shading, no flaws to add character to the fine sculpt, in other words, I blame the paint. The same goes for the hair, but it sucks not only because of its single color, but also because the sculpt sucks (sorry, Hasbro-sculptor). The main body looks great, but the bunches in front are too round, there's no definition (we're still talking about the hair here!). The hair blocks most of the head-movement, so I don't understand why the sculptor didn't just go all out and make the hair sharper and more realistic, prettier, even if it completely immobilized the neck, we fans always find a way of making it work anyway. And I apologize to the sculptor if that's the way Hasbro's bigwigs forced you to make it, I recommend dropping ants in their morning coffee...Brazilian Man-Eating Ants.
     This figure has a great ass, it's as if it was delicately scooped out of the clay. The fine folds in the suit's "fabric" denote areas of firmness, which are usually also areas of interest, wakka wakka! There is a load of detail everywhere, even the gloves have slight folds instead of just being straight repaints of bare hands. The straps and holster alone have more of it than many other figures on the pegs today! They're ribbed and studded and there are even holes to show-off the gun while holstered. The segments of armor are all raised, the forearm pieces have a boxy quality but are still sleek. The front of the torso looks a little too "busy" I think, but it's meticulously-detailed, the zipper gives me chills just seeing how perfect it is. There are 4 weird tiny dents on the back of the thighs, I'm guessing they're by-products of the casting process because they don't look like part of the costume's design. I love this outfit, it makes Scarlett look even tougher than she already is by making the shoulders look a little wider, and even sexier by conforming to her shapely body. The "battle-leotard" is alive and kickin' too, pay attention to the butt and front to see what I mean. Oh, you guys are way ahead of me! Though honestly, the sculpt isn't 100% accurate and neither is the paint, check the picture at the end of this review to see the differences.
     The weapons can be held naturally but not very securely, the pistols especially like to pop-out without warning. At least it's not as bad of a problem as Helix's. I don't blame the hands or the weapons really, both are quite functional when used with other items, it may just be that the fingers on my figure have been slightly stretched too far while I was trying to get the giant projectile-launcher to stay put in their grip. 

Sculpt Score: 9 / 10

 

     Arrrrrr! The paint-job is to blame for most of this figure's faults. Here is my proof, a custom made by one of my favorite customizers, Rateeg. See what a world of a difference a little shading makes? The hair looks dull, nothing at all like the radiant wave of fire and sexy shown in the movie. The job on the body is more forgiveable but still very irratic, despite beng such a simple scheme. The armored bits are dry-brushed grey with almost none of it spilling over onto the plain-suit areas. As you can see, the brushing is sketchy and covers nowhere near the entirety of them, it's a quick job to accentuate the raised armor-plates, nothing less and nothing more. Don't despair too much though, dry-brushing is a time-consuming process when done well, the factory can churn out 50 semi-acceptable Scarletts in the time it takes to properly paint just one. I like the worn/distressed effect here, but I'd rather have plates completely colored because this looks like a half-assed attempt. And it's the case with all the Scarletts on the pegs!
     Also an issue are the stoned eyes, what the hell Hasbro? You guys seriously need to take another look at your staff, these paint apps are riduculous. Messed-up bodies we can fix, but messed-up faces are almost impossible to correct for the average consumer unless they're a natural artist or have been painting toys for a few years. Then again, whoever did the test-shots must have been doing it for a long time to get to work for such a big company, and look at this mess we got. But I blame whoever approved this thing instead of telling the painter to stop hitting the hash and get back to work. Fine, that might be too harsh, I think if that black eye-lash line over each eye were made thinner, the problem would go away. As is, a lot of the ROC figures have a disinterested "Go file your TPS report. Ummmmm, yeaahhhh...what the fuck do you want from me?" look to them, not the kind of demeanor I'd like someone to have if they're supposed to save this country from all sorts of exotic threats. Well, maybe G.I. Joes have seen it all by now, so nothing surprises them anymore? That would explain the bored look on their faces. Bravo, Hasbro, for thinking a step ahead of us. We now see that the mysterious bandage on Helix's wrist was a preventative measure in-case a mosquito tried to bite her and give her malaria, Hasbro thinks of everything! Next time remember to pack-in a bottle of Jack Daniels for the long flights they take to their destinations.
     Those glossy boots, gloves, and holster are all painted and have a super-slick surface as a result. The stiffening problem because of paint rises again from that holster, it's hard to get it to hang naturally so it mostly jutts-out to the side a little (the belt itself hugs the hips well). There's some silver on the "crossbow" to show a loaded "bolt" (it looks more like a steak-knife launcher). The unpainted areas on the body have a satin-smooth finish, very nice.   

Paint Score: 7 / 10

     Every single joint can work to its full potential, with the head being the only exception. Remarkably, it can still tilt upwards and swivel a little before having to fight the shouders. The elbows bend a little farther than 90-degrees which is always a welcome feature for more natural poses. The wrists are loose, but the weapons are light enough that twisting the wrists just by carrying them isn't a problem (or just stick some gum in there). There's a fully-functional pivot in the torso so Scarlett can flex with the best of them, the wide range of the legs adds to the amount of asses she can kick in one fell swoop (by the way, in that expression, "fell" means "evil", so it's not entirely accurate since Scarlett is a "good" girl, community college wizdomz strikes again!). The knees bend back entirely, I'm surprised more Joe-figs can't do this, and the ankles have a funtional range of motion while still looking good.
     I'm not sure if the design of the left shoulder was intentional or a factory-error, or maybe the left is right after all? The bar leading into the torso from the left shoulder is slightly longer than usual, so the armored shoulder can easily move around without bumping against the torso. The right shoulder is "standard length", so it moves but the armor bumps the torso, meaning the arm can't be raised away from the body. Which is the error and which is the proper? I'm gonna give Hasbro the benefit of the dobut and say the less mobile shoulder was a factory error, they knew the armor would be obstructive so they wanted the rods extended that extra bit to accomodate the extra bulk. They look good either way. If your Scarlett has the same issue, let us know! 

Articulation Score: 8 / 10

   

     TAO lets us have waaaay too much fun on his site. Scarlett's projectile is one of the wonkiest I've seen, what the hell is it supposed to be!? Maybe a grappling hook? But it's round? Maybe it's so she doesn't damage the buildings or structures she grapples onto? Some kind of glue secretes from the big yellow heads to secure it? Guessing is half the fun! The other half is actually trying to use it. The smaller grappling hook connects to this golden monster with 22 inches of golden rope (it looks good enough), so you can use it as Wonder Woman's Lasso of Truth once you've scrapped ths contraption. Call me crazy, but I'd use black rope instead, kinda sucks when the enemy sees you glinting in the sky as you try to slide across to their rooftop. Between the two ends, is the harness from which Scarlett can suspend. The harness is sculpted to look padded, but the glossy paint makes it stiff, betraying the appearance (and making it harder to equip). The "pulley" (it doesn't move) is slick so our heroine slips down the rope at full-throttle, assuming the path is rigid. I swear, I don't plan these words ahead of time, they just come out this way! The launcher looks pretty cool though, like an over-powered bazooka. It can shoot the projectile only maybe a foot away because of how heavy that ugly yellow thing is.
     It's now mandatory that all female G.I. Joe recruits must carry twin pistols, but not any holsters to store them in, thems the breaks, ladies! Yeah, the figure would look way too bulky with all that gear on, how about in the future, we get a cool rifle, that isn't another freakin' PDR or PDW90, with a strap instead of the compulsory pistols? I begin to think the reason there are two is to have a replacement when you inevitably lose these tiny accessories. One of the perks of collecting G.I. Joes is you learn the names of many many weapons, which leads to reading more about how they work, which will come in handy when the zombie apocalypse hits. The holster was meant for the knife-launcher but it still doesn't seem to sit right in it. Yes, it looks like a crossbow, but it doesn't seem to shoot darts or bolts! Judging by the projectile nocked in there, it shoots long, thin, pointy razors...holy crap! Is this what she was shooting in the movie? Laser-guided, self-propulsed, explosive razors from Hell? That sounds as awesome as my poison needle-gun idea! It's intricately detailed and the arms are removeable, able to clip-on to the outside of the holster.  

Fun Score: 8 / 10

 

     Yes, yes, oh, Goddess, yes, this figure is so worth the $5 it currently retails for. Buy 10 of them, I command it. You can even look at this figure as an army builder, maybe the suit is "standard issue", like Shipwreck's and Duke's armored uniforms, so all your fem-troops need one. Buy 100 of them. Who cares if it they cost $200,000 per soldier. For the five bucks, you get an awesome figure, a neat harness, a wacky missile launcher, 2 guns, a knife-shooter, a grappling-hook, a stand, a mini-poster, and nifty custom fodder, I dare say there is no better value out there for toys right now. Remember when Legos were cheap? Now you get less plastic in a Lego set than there is in this entire G.I. Joe package and get charged $15 for it! Yeah, they're imported or whatever and add to the cost, but I'm the average American, I don't care about how stuff is made so as long as I get cheap sneakers and double-cheeseburgers for a dollar. Thank goodness for Burger King. 

Value Score: 9 / 10

 82 / 100 - This is a Great Toy

Looking for a good time, sailor? Then pick-up this Scarlett figure, knowing that from that day on, this will always be leering back at you from the shelf:

 

This could be the figure given away in this month's Review Commentator Contest. Join the discussion by leaving a comment on this review for a chance to win!

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