Let's begin this discussion with a joke. I'm told it's a good way to keep a potentially volatile article from erupting into something hazardous. So, question: What do vintage G.I. Joes and clowns have in common? They share the same wardrobe...what, too obvious? Well that didn't work!

No doubt, the majority of Joe-collectors know about the periodic Q&A sessions with Hasbro, opportunities for fans to mine for insight on upcoming releases. And I say "mine" because mining is exactly what the sessions are like. We strike viciously with our sharp questions at the stone-wall that is Hasbro, and then get angry when they spit back even sharper fragments. Hey, if you don't want to keep getting blasted with shrapnel, stop hitting the wall so hard! We don't even try to hide the bite in our questions, "Dear Hasbro, taking into consideration the success of all your other popular lines, why do you think G.I. Joe isn't selling as well?" Translation: "Why can't you mooks make GOOD figures for the G.I. Joe line?! You RUINED them!" It's insulting to ask a company why they and their products suck. They're making G.I. Joes YOU'RE STILL BUYING, despite your whining, so unless you're protesting their decisions by NOT buying, or admit that you like to buy their supposedly sucky toys, please shaddap about it.

This isn't stuff y'all haven't heard before, this wasn't intended to be a guide to asking toy-companies questions, or as a clever way for TAO to let me make fun of a large part of the G.I. Joe community [TAO: D'oh!]. I'd just like to re-address a few things so they stay fresh in everyone's mind, all the better if it helps someone out there get their point across. When you guys ask bland questions, don't be upset when you get bland responses. Examples, "When do you expect to release an Oktober Guard set?" or "I like guns. Can you add more guns to the packages?" What answer do you expect other than "We'll look into it."? It takes months (according to them) to plan out a toy-line's line-up. And even if they did know, they have to save news for major conventions. I mean, can you imagine how boring it would be for Hasbro to show-up at conventions with no new product? No new news? What would be the point in going if you can just go online and see the stuff they have, and save yourself the cost of plane tickets and hotel rooms and whatnot. Hell, withholding information stimulates the economy! Hah.

Don't be discouraged or afraid to ask them general/bland questions either. I asked if they'd consider making flight-stands for Joes, Hasbro said yeah, they'll look into it. What happened there is I planted a seed, all I can do is hope they decide to let it grow. If you guys want the giant missile launchers replaced with a Build-A-Figure or Build-A-Diorama, then let them know, and often. Plant those seeds, keep throwing seeds at them! There are millions of you, your ideas can't all be junk (how's that for inspiration? xD ).

Some questions are less likely to be answered to your liking because the questions AND the answers can sound insulting! "Why doesn't ROC Covergirl look anything like the actress who portrayed her?" It's a simple and fair question, they look nothing alike, but what can they say? "The sculptor was drunk. We hate the actress anyway. We have a running gag where we have to make every Covergirl figure ugly." How about "Why do you release figures in odd colors first, before releasing them in "corrected" colors later?" Well, obviously it's done to sell more figures, but Hasbro has to give you the recycled "We strive to be always improving and stay current with collectors' needs and current trends and yadda yadda yadda just buy the new damn toy, fanboy."

Seriously, don't set yourself up for disappointment, ask the questions in ways that don't sound scathing and require more than a one-sentence answer. That way, at least you know you're asking solid questions and can then proudly blast them for their lame answers (small comfort, eh?). Sometimes, yes, our questons are blatantly mis-interpreted, Mattel is more infamous for this, but Hasbro can bluff and dodge with the best of them. The best way to make Hasbro, and any toy company, understand that we are tired of the crap is to stop buying the toys. Put it down, don't even look at Joes in the toy-aisle anymore. And don't think for a second that you won't make a difference. Adult collectors provide a substantial chunk of the Joe profits for them, there is no kid out there buying 100 Neo-Vipers, it's you guys, the adults, army-building and constantly amassing more troops for your forces. The danger is of course that if we band together in our boycott and the toys don't sell well, Hasbro might condsider cancelling all G.I. Joe products altogether. But I think it's more just a fear than a fact, G.I. Joe makes money, when sales drop dramatically and Hasbro realizes they should listen to what you want, they'll have to make it because more money is a great motivator. I don't know, I could be completely wrong and we could kill G.I. Joe forever. That's life for ya.

If I were answering the questions (oh gawd, here we go...lol) and I had all of Hasbro's resources at my disposal, there is no way in hell I would give the pitiful answers we're getting (you too Mattel!). If a reasonable answer absolutely can't be given, then at least give a reason for it! And many times a reason is given, but "We don't discuss that with you common rabble" isn't easy to swallow, we need something more. And you know why they can get away with insulting our intelligence? Because you guys keep buying their crap. You keep buying those lame ROC Viper repaints and complaining about how they don't make new molds anymore.

So, if you guys aren't going to stop buying the figures you hate so much, then we need other ways to make the Q&As worth our time. How about Hasbro shows-off a new piece of promotional art with every round of questions? How about some contests, people can send them drawings or pictures of their battle scenes and a few lucky winners get a free toy every round? How about pins or buttons or stickers? Recently, someone had a small batch of Cobra and G.I. Joe pins made, and people never stop begging him to buy them! It's a simple thing to do, but it cheers everyone up! Though, in the back of my head, I thnk Hasbro would would cancel the Q&As altogether if we got too demanding, and it would be no skin off their nose. It's lose-lose for us.

How is it us ordinary folk can come-up with cool stuff to get all our fellow collectors excited, but all the guys at Big Bad Hasbro can think of is to repaint a Cobra Commander red? Recently, people have been reporting getting "letters from Cobra" in the mail, along with a nifty dogtag. This is awesome, exactly the kind of things we love to see, they happen too rarely though. Mail-away figures are great, but why limit them to one every 10 years or whatever? Why not make characters we'll never see made otherwise available this way? These kinds of things help boost sales and give fans figures they want to complete their collections.

I'm starting to stray, so one more thing: Someone give me a billion dollars so I can make a toy-line that will make everyone happy. Come on, if 4 billion people send me 25 cents, we can make the dream happen. Well, my dream anyway, har har.

Want to hear more rants about toys? Find past and future editions of Articulated Ranting right here.