There's a certain terror that stirs inside us from the mere presence of the color orange. It is the color caution, of warning, of impending doom. When you see orange safety cones, they are saying "Watch out! There's a giant mile-deep hole ahead and you're driving into it!" They scream "This cave is infested with zombie-caterpillars! Stay away!" They're never a good sign. So when you see an Alley Viper sneaking towards you, you will know horror like never before. I have an easier time understaning the Alley-Viper's design from this point of view. Of course, I could just as easily believe these guys are simply bat-shit crazy going into battle like this, and I'd probably not be too far off from the truth.    

Name: Alley Viper
Line: GI Joe, Defense of Cobra Island Seven Pack
Manufacturer: Hasbro
Released: 2009
Price: Online: $35.00-$60.00
Scale: 3.75 in. (figure is about 4.00 in. to the top of the head, without the helmet) 
Accessories: Grapple-gun, Backpack, 2 Knives, Machine Gun, Baton, Vest, Helmet, Magic Shield (lol)
Sponsor Listings: Past Generation Toys-$44.95

 

 
      The first thing you'll notice about this figure is the sleek bullet-shaped helmet, exotic, delicate, and aggressive in it's own way. Actually, no, that's a lie, first thing you see is orange. This figure is so frikkin' orange! The last time I saw a person wear this much orange was when I pushed my friend into a giant vat of orange juice. The "accident" bleached his skin and turned his hair green, he then started to call himself "The Juicer", the best name he could come up with. Is it any wonder why I pushed him in? Whatever, that is one sexy helmet. The face-plate flips up to reveal a blue ski-masked trooper. There are two COBRA logos sculpted onto the helm, with the plate down, they stack on one another. This guy is over-compensating for the Lamprey's lack of team-pride. I count 5, yes, FIVE COBRA logos total. 4 on the body and one on the shield.
      This shield is MAGNIFICENT. It's a beautiful piece of equipment that no trooper has any business using. With a bit more detail, maybe a few rivets there and there, it could look like a trophy-piece in some midevial armorer's collection. Someone in Hasbro's think-tank wanted a "Knight-Viper", and this is as close as we get to seeing one. He even comes with a grappling-gun that looks like a crossbow, and the helmet obviously has an old-world design. The rest of him is armored-up too, with knee-guards, shin-pads, arm-bands, vest, and a weird little black rectangle with 3 buttons on the right thigh. What is that? Most of the body parts are limbs we've seen before, so it's probably best to investigate those previously-made figures to find-out what every little detail is supposed to be. This fig is obviously a child of the 90's, there are more pouches than a sane person would know what to do with. He even has a knife strapped to his forearm! Hell, he has carabiners! Now that's hardcore. This Viper is such a tough guy that he chose to equip yet another knife on his chest instead of another grenade.
      The entire figure has a great sculpt, even that millimeter-thin zipper running down the front of the vest is detailed! Weapons are detailed as well, the grapple-gun being the most interesting. It has a thick handle that makes it hard for the figure to hold, it was mae that way to help it "clip" into the backpack. It doesn't work. There's no way for it to snap into the pack, Hasbro forgot to add the actual feature, har har. It's not funny though, pretty lame really. The backpack looks like something the Ghostbuster would wear, there are also 3 Stingball Riot Grenades sculpted onto it (thank you again, Punisher War Journal!).

Sculpt Score: 9 / 10

     Unless you were born blind and had your eyes ripped-out as an infant soon after birth, you'll notice the ridiculous orange and blue color-scheme on this fellow. The fig is cast in orange with most of the blue painted-on, and as usual, the area under the knee is painted. There are two tones to the orange, very slight difference, between the removeable equipment and the figure itself. There are a few spots of tan like on the knife-sheath and shins (and the carabiners too, I have NEVER seen poop-brown carabiners before), but there isn't enough tan in the world to save this horrible color-scheme. It's one thing to make a character bright and friendly-looking, maybe kids will like it more, but to make such a lethal trooper wear orange? Seriously? Who's responsible for this abomination? Who's blood must spill to right this grievous insult!? This guy would look cool on red I think.
      The weapons are all cast in black, the knives are painted, shield is orange. Everything is neat and tidy, the COBRA symbols are painted too. The eyes are impressive, very sharp and...tan. So in short, the figure needs different colors, this just looks stupid. I can't take him too seriously, and neither can his enemies, guys dressed like clowns are just big targets for insults and bullets.   

Paint Score: 8 / 10

 

      Clown Viper has all standard POA for a GI Joe, including the side-tilt in the torso. It's understandably reduced with the vest added, but the swiveling will still work. Some leg-motion is restricted because the big pouches on the side of the vest crash into the big pouches sculpted on the thighs. Articulation is good enough that this Viper can protect himself with the shield from any direction, one-handed! You can even bend the arm behind his back and fully-shield that side! That knife on the forearm doesn't obstruct any movement and doesn't prevent the use of any other weapons, not even swords, har har. The double-knees bend far enough so to get some nice kneeling poses too. Every single joint has the perfect stiffness, they hold the figure up in any position possible and are easy enough to move without straining your fingers. This is what happens when a figure's parts are cast precisely and are assembled perfectly.  

Articulation Score: 8 / 10

 

      The figure has a bunch of sexy accessories, just look at 'em all! The helmet makes any figure look cool! As mentioned before, stick a bow or sword in this guy's hand and he looks like a knight. It's a nifty side-effect if having so much unique clunky gear equipped. The backpack, it could be a time-traveling device, this guy's mission was to go back in time and kill King Arthur, which after a few confusing and insane series of events, Cobra Commander would end-up being Lord of the World, forcing everyone to wear hoods and masks, even the hot chicks! So clearly, this trooper needs to be stopped. You can flip the mask down and pretend he's an alien cyclops bug who eats people and steals their eyes to add them to his body. I don't know, isn't that the first thing that comes to everyone's mind?...*gulp* 
      The baby-knives on the chest and forearm do pop out, you can put one in each hand and pretend they're snake-fangs because they have a slight slope at the tips. RAWR! I'm a Cobra! HISSS! RRRRR! *squiggle, squiggle* You can make him the ultimate badass on the team, so awesome that he could actually go out and fight naked and still claim the victory. But because we aren't worthy to stare at his junk, he covers-up, allowing only the chosen few to bask in his glory. Hey, I just took some cough medicine, I'm feeling a little off, okay? *hic!* What's that hole in the middle of the shield for? Won't bullets just fly right through that thing? Maybe there was supposed to be some bullet-proof glass there but Hasbro didn't add it? Whatever, you gotta love those funky designs. If this is your first time stepping into the world of GI Joe, I think you'll need a pretty wild imagination to fully enjoy this fig. Or just let him wail on people with his "knight"-stick. HAR HAR HAR! Awesome.  

Fun Score: 8 / 10

 

     Arguably, the Alley Viper is the only reason to buy this 7-pack. "Arguably" because I have to argue with every GI Joe fan about how unattractive this figure is! It's a nice-looking sculpt, but I don't understand where the undying love is coming from. I will admit though, this figure has a "wow-factor". I said "wow" when I first saw it, as it tried to blind me with it's uniform. Lol, okay, enough of that. It's an impressive figure, I think it would be interesting to see it single-carded, the card-art would be colorful and pretty. No doubt it would sell quickly because of customizers, loyal Joe fans, and scalpers. I don't see an average kid wanting this figure "just because", there has to be more of a reason to buy this weird thing.
      I think the packaging is worth mentioning, it's attractive. The entire back-panel is covered with a mural of all 7 figures, the art-style is realistic, like what you'd find on the card-art of a single-carded GI Joe. The art looks 99.9% like the figures they represent, and amazingly, it makes even this ridiculous trooper look badass! Not just the outside is pretty, the way the contents are packaged inside make for a nice display. The back is lined with a giant scene of a beach being bombed by bombers (they look like Skystrikers), it looks like a marker or water-color painting though. Most the figures' accessories are displayed at their feet with whatever is left over packed by their sides and in their hands. The box is sturdy with a durable window and sleek black case. Each figure comes with a stand and their File Cards too, because old Joe collectors love those things. I like them to a lesser extent, but definitely a lot more than the current Rise of Cobra File Cards that list the same thing for every single soldier's favorite weapon. Well, I still love Scarlett's and Helix's cards, they're just freakin' hot.  

Value Score: 9 / 10

 

84 / 100 - This is a Great Toy

Yes, that's an 84, not a "5000 out of 100" score. I was almost caught-up in the Alley-craze, but I can see why people love this figure so much. Hopefully this figure will be released in the Pursuit of Cobra line with some Gray urban camo. It's a solid addition to any tyrant's army, being an eyesore never made anyone less lethal in combat...this guy does have kind of a big melon-head though, ha ha!

-DrNightmare

*The figures in this review were provided as product samples by the manufacturer, but every effort is made to objectively review all figures.* 

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